For the Gents: Festival Attire for Men

Wear a real crown of thorns as opposed to the fashionable flower crowns that women typically wear. Adjust it so that a small amount of the flesh on your forehead is punctured by it. If there is some blood in your eyes but you don’t feel particularly lightheaded, then you are doing it correctly.

–Raising your jean shorts as far up above your belly button as they can go, pull them up as high as you can. Put your stomach meat inside the shorts (denim shorts are required), button them up, and DO NOT CARE WHAT HAPPENS. Push each and every button. If you find that a button is pinching some skin, don’t remove it! You will soon become accustomed to the agony, and the skin clumps, which are comparable to your umbilical cord, will finally fall off. Cover any wounds with the sand that is nearest to you.

–Do you feel like you’re missing out on the whole bodypaint-as-bra thing? Paint your penis. You always have the option of putting on a T-shirt or something else if you feel exposed. Ideas for phallic designs include a unicorn, a giraffe, and Nixon. Important advice: make sure the hole is filled in. Think of it like caulking.

–Gone are the days when rompers were only worn by women. The trend today is to wear onesies. However, they can be a nuisance at the port-a-potties, which is why it is a good idea to have a catheter put before to attending the event in order to avoid any problems.

–Do not, under any circumstances, put on a cap. BEWARE THE NEWCOMER Think about letting your hair grow longer. No matter how sweaty you get, you should never pull it away from your face or put it behind your back. It is considerably more attractive when worn this way, especially with that crown!

–Make a splash. Focus less on what you need to bring to keep cool while camping and more on how you want to present yourself. It’s a significant point. Think of wearing a three-piece suit or a shirt that you produced yourself and emblazoned with festival catchphrases like “Have you seen my pal Molly?” It’s an inside joke that everyone in the festival community is familiar with, and it’s also a reference to the movie The Unsinkable Molly Brown (I don’t get it either). Unrelatedly, make friends with the local law enforcement officers. Every time you have the opportunity, make sure you introduce yourself to a new person. It’s all about the community, and making sure everyone stays safe.

–Do not wear shoes; if you do, people will be able to easily identify you. Before you go to the event, condition your feet by doing anything like standing on hot coals for a while or attempting the tried-and-true approach of applying a cheese grater to the bottoms of your feet. You festival-goers who have been around for a while should understand what I’m talking about.